These past few months have been rough. I don't think I could accurately put into words how hard it's been. Now, I could be whining. I could just be dwelling on the negative. Whatever the reason I have come out of this experience forever changed.
When we lost the baby in September I felt completely shattered. As the months went by and we couldn't conceive again it became worse. As much as I hate to admit it, I became mad at God. A baby is a righteous desire. Why couldn't I be granted that blessing?!
I became bitter. I isolated myself. It was at its worst peak in the spring as my due date came and friends had their babies. It wasn't fair. It left a gaping hole in my heart that I never thought would close. It could never be filled.
Some say that I have Camden and should be grateful for him. Others point out that this person could never have a baby or it took them years to conceive. That, coupled with the guilt of losing a child, drug me into the darkest period of my life I have ever been in. Guilt torments the body in a cruel way. So while I was upset about the situation, thinking about others burdens made me feel awful. I wasn't being grateful. Quite frankly, it could be seen as selfish.
For months I had prayed for understanding. I want to know when things happen in my life why they happen. I need answers. I didn't know why my baby died. The least I could know was what I needed to learn from the experience. The answers didn't come. In reality, I had closed myself off with any communication from my father in heaven.
When my brother and sister-in-law got married Matt and I were able to quietly sit in the temple while we waited for the sealing to start. I prayed for just peace. I desperately needed it. For nine months I felt like a tortured soul. And guess what? It came.
Since then I still don't completely understand why it happened. I like to tell myself to complete its mission on earth the spirit needed a better body than the one that was created in that moment. The spirit of that child is still coming. They're just patiently waiting for the right moment.
Since those lines of communication have been brought open once again I've finally found relief. Like I said, I still don't completely understand. But I do know things seem a little more clear now.
I've been slowly and quietly taught. At times Camden's little antics haven't been cute. I needed to get certain things done and those were my priority. Now, my family is my priority.
I've learned that it's okay to dance in the middle of target. I've learned quietly singing songs with him while shopping doesn't disturb anyone. I've learned it's okay to stop whatever it is you're doing when a toddler grabs your hands and asks you dance. You dance!
Life in this home has become much more beautiful. It's not perfect, but it's enough. I've taken the time to really watch and listen to him. He's learning. He's growing. He has his triumphs and failures. Most importantly, he teaches me.
Life through the eyes of a child is much less complicated. It's beautiful and so much fun! The things that matter actually matter. They don't care how they're dressed, if someone won't talk to them, or what a person's circumstances are. They're kind and they're good. I think everyone needs that in their life. I do. Being a mother was the best decision I have made (besides marrying Matt). Here's to new adventures and a new outlook on life.
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