Blessings Through Christ

"Great joy comes when those little boats -our children- grow into mighty seafaring vessels filled with gospel light."

-Neill F. Marriott   

Since it's December we have pulled out our 25 Days of Christ ornament set and have been doing them every night with Camden. We take the time to read the scriptures with the corresponding ornament, watch videos, look at pictures, and read quotes. His excitement every night is contagious! He loves them and I love watching him learn.

At the close of our discussion we put on a musical video about the nativity and Christ. Every night without fail he asks if we can "watch Mary". My heart swells as I watch this two year old quietly watch a video of our Savior. The peace that fills our home is tangible. His expression is one of love and happiness. He picks almost the same one every night. Throughout it he'll say "mommy there's the star!" and "there's Mary! And baby Jesus!". As he points out the various people I often stare at him in wonder as my eyes well up with tears. This small boy loves his Savior. He loves learning about Him and the people who made up so much of who He was. More importantly, he retains much more information than we think he can. Camden is the biggest light and example in our family.

I cannot fathom loving another child as much as I love Camden. He's a ray of sunshine. He's a ball of nonstop energy, laughter, and kindness. He's extremely polite which makes this mama swell with pride anytime he says sorry, thank you, or excuse me. I think if I could sum him up it would be he just loves life! Some of mine and Matt's favorite moments are when he climbs up onto our laps and says "hello mommy!" or "hello daddy!". Very rarely is he sad and answers question with such enthusiasm! We love him so.

He's finally coming around to the idea of being a big brother. Matt and I tried for ten months to conceive our newest addition. It was hard and a stressful time for me. I already knew I had problems with fertility and I wanted so badly to have at least one more child for Camden to grow with. When he didn't seem to want anything to do with a new baby it broke my heart. But now almost every morning he looks at my belly and says, "Hello baby Tate!". I'm excited to see them together and to feel my heart grow to include another little best buddy.

This pregnancy has been dragging on forever! I say that because I am so mentally and physically exhausted from the complications, but more importantly I want to hold him! I'm ready to meet this sweet little spirit that we tried so hard for. There isn't a day that I don't thank my Father in Heaven for this miracle. It's really hard not having a smooth pregnancy, especially with a toddler running around, but the Lord doesn't give us trials we can't handle. I fully believe that. If this is what it takes for me to get a healthy baby into the world then so be it. 

This Christmas season I've been reminded of a lot of blessings we've been given. Sometimes they randomly come to my head. Other times I really have to think to notice them. But they're always there. I love my family. I am so incredibly thankful that I married Matt. He's gone above and beyond this pregnancy. I couldn't do it without him. I'm thankful for Camden. I'm thankful of his cuddles in just the right moment and the tender words of "mommy, it otay" when I feel like my body is going to give out at any moment. I'm grateful for how independent he is and can play quietly when I need a rest or need to get a bit of housework done. I'm grateful for Tate who will be joining us in March. Even though it does hurt at times, I'm grateful for his daily rib kicks that let me know he's still there.

Most importantly, I'm grateful for my Savior. Christmas is wonderful and a beautiful time of year. It's exciting to get those decorations up, listen to Christmas music, wrap presents, and feel the change in the air. Let us not forget in the midst of everything our Savior. If it wasn't for Him we wouldn't have this beautiful holiday to celebrate.

Spirit of Peace

These past few months have been rough. I don't think I could accurately put into words how hard it's been. Now, I could be whining. I could just be dwelling on the negative. Whatever the reason I have come out of this experience forever changed.

When we lost the baby in September I felt completely shattered. As the months went by and we couldn't conceive again it became worse. As much as I hate to admit it, I became mad at God. A baby is a righteous desire. Why couldn't I be granted that blessing?!

I became bitter. I isolated myself. It was at its worst peak in the spring as my due date came and friends had their babies. It wasn't fair. It left a gaping hole in my heart that I never thought would close. It could never be filled.

Some say that I have Camden and should be grateful for him. Others point out that this person could never have a baby or it took them years to conceive. That, coupled with the guilt of losing a child, drug me into the darkest period of my life I have ever been in. Guilt torments the body in a cruel way. So while I was upset about the situation, thinking about others burdens made me feel awful. I wasn't being grateful. Quite frankly, it could be seen as selfish.

For months I had prayed for understanding. I want to know when things happen in my life why they happen. I need answers. I didn't know why my baby died. The least I could know was what I needed to learn from the experience. The answers didn't come. In reality, I had closed myself off with any communication from my father in heaven.

When my brother and sister-in-law got married Matt and I were able to quietly sit in the temple while we waited for the sealing to start. I prayed for just peace. I desperately needed it. For nine months I felt like a tortured soul. And guess what? It came.

Since then I still don't completely understand why it happened. I like to tell myself to complete its mission on earth the spirit needed a better body than the one that was created in that moment. The spirit of that child is still coming. They're just patiently waiting for the right moment.

Since those lines of communication have been brought open once again I've finally found relief. Like I said, I still don't completely understand. But I do know things seem a little more clear now.

I've been slowly and quietly taught. At times Camden's little antics haven't been cute. I needed to get certain things done and those were my priority. Now, my family is my priority.

I've learned that it's okay to dance in the middle of target. I've learned quietly singing songs with him while shopping doesn't disturb anyone. I've learned it's okay to stop whatever it is you're doing when a toddler grabs your hands and asks you dance. You dance!

Life in this home has become much more beautiful. It's not perfect, but it's enough. I've taken the time to really watch and listen to him. He's learning. He's growing. He has his triumphs and failures. Most importantly, he teaches me.

Life through the eyes of a child is much less complicated. It's beautiful and so much fun! The things that matter actually matter. They don't care how they're dressed, if someone won't talk to them, or what a person's circumstances are. They're kind and they're good. I think everyone needs that in their life. I do. Being a mother was the best decision I have made (besides marrying Matt). Here's to new adventures and a new outlook on life.

And more blog posts!

Because I Am A Mother

"ALL THAT I AM OR EVER HOPE TO BE, I OWE TO MY ANGEL MOTHER." -Abraham Lincoln

I cannot sleep so I will write. Today is the sabbath, a day I was taught as a young child to hold sacred and look forward to. It's a day to reflect, renew covenants, and make appropriate changes. It's a day of strength to help get me through another week.

It's been a tough week. It started out a normal Monday with my daily tasks set in my head: make the bed, vacuum downstairs, meal plan for the week, go to the store if needed, make dinner, clean up the kitchen, workout, shower, cuddle with my husband until bedtime. Yes, that is a typical Monday in this home. I decided to take on an extra task of making things to sell and open an Etsy store. Off to Michael's we went. We got supplies and started on the crafts. With one done before dinner I was feeling pretty good.

Then Camden caught the flu. Tuesday and Wednesday were all thrown off because of a little boy who was terrified every time he threw up. He was my main concern. The house work was put on hold. The kitchen was not cleaned at night. My workouts halted. My world revolved around making my son comfortable and watching a lot of Lightning McQueen and anything with pirates.

Finally Thursday we were in the clear going 24 hours fever free. Until that night I was awake with him every thirty minutes while he screamed in pain from constipation (tmi, I know). Watching him cry and knowing how bad he felt broke something inside of me as well. It was terrible. 

"THERE ARE FEW THINGS MORE POWERFUL THAN THE PRAYERS OF A RIGHTEOUS MOTHER." 

-Boyd K. Packer

I pleaded with my Father in Heaven to help him go. I wanted to know what I could do to help him feel better and what may have caused it. I immediately thought back to his diet over the past few days. I had really slacked on it as I was trying to get him to eat something, anything. Cheese, yogurt raisens, and milk chocolate all came to my mind. Camden has an allergy to dairy. 

I felt horrible. I'm his mother. He's too young to know what he can and can't have. The responsibility and blame all fell on me. He was suffering because of it. Finally a small miracle occurred and he fell asleep for four hours.

That morning I gave him foods that should've helped give him some relief. It didn't. I went back to my pleading with my Father in Heaven. This time I had an immediate thought. I pulled out the blender and loaded it up with fruit, juice, ice, and topped it off with flaxseed. He drank it down and within thirty minutes found that relief.

The rest of the day went smoothly. I vacuumed the entire house, dusted, disinfected, washed, and put away two loads of laundry. After putting him to bed I indexed for a bit, showered, and cuddled with my husband. I finally was able to sleep the whole night.

And then there's today. It was busy yet fulfilling. But as I sat on the couch this evening I felt so inadequate. I looked around the house and thought about the tasks I had completed during the week. It felt like nothing was done. I felt like I couldn't accomplish anything. Maybe being a stay at home mom really meant I did nothing all day.

After Camden went to bed I thought of him. Was I really doing any good with him? I didn't feel adequate enough to be his mother or Matt's wife. As I pulled his clothes out of the dryer I groaned and shook my head. I had once again failed. Why did it feel like getting his clothes put away before he went to bed was so hard to ask?!

I picked out the collared shirts, heated up the iron, and grabbed Matt's shirt for church. As I started on them I felt so much emotion of being a failure. And, like always, I needed my Father in Heaven. After a quick prayer I thought about just the past few hours. Camden painted for the first time and loved it. He pulled himself up on the couch all by himself for the first time. He told me a tiger says "rawr". He brought me the bubble bath while the water ran, his little eyes pleading for one of his favorite things. He folded his arms during prayer and said amen. 

All of these firsts and all of these seemingly insignificant little things he did today are significant in his growth and development. It's because of the help of from his mother. It's because of me.

"THE MOST IMPORTANT WORK YOU WILL EVER DO WILL BE WITHIN THE WALLS OF YOUR OWN HOME." -Harold B. Lee

These seemingly monotonous day to day tasks that a mother does are important. The laundry didn't get put away, but he has clean clothes. There are toys scattered throughout the day, but I have a home full of laughter and smiles from a happy child. Dinner consisted of chicken nuggets, french fries, grapes, and almond milk. My toddler's tummy is full and happy. 

Being a mother doesn't mean being perfect. It means being there to teach, laugh, and grow with your child. Days or even weeks will be hard. But as we sit back and really reflect on our days, we will catch the rays of sunshine that accompany it. And that is a beautiful feeling.