Welcome, Tate!

On July 3rd 2015 I found out we were expecting again! Matt and I were ecstatic. After our previous miscarriage it had taken months to conceive again. There were many tears shed and pleadings to our Heavenly Father. Finally we would be expanding our family!

For the first 16 weeks everything was going smoothly. I was, of course, tired and a bit nauseous but everything was developing as it should. Once I hit four months along contractions hit along with a drop in blood pressure. I was feeling so awful and heard those dreadful words: bed rest. With Camden I was put on bed rest at 28 weeks. I was nervous with this one to say the least.

In October we found out baby Link was another boy. I was so excited! I wanted another boy and for Camden to grow up with a buddy. Matt was a little sad at first. He wanted a girl so badly! After a few minutes his excitement grew as we talked about names. Originally he was going to be named Fynn. After talking about it it just didn't feel right. Little Fynn became little Tate instead.

The next several months we filled with days with Camden, some pain, a huge belly, decorating the nursery, and a fabulous baby shower! Once I hit 37 weeks Matt took a trip to California for work. I was nervous, but had the faith that our little guy would wait for his daddy. At my appointment it was confirmed he was definitely waiting- 0% effaced and 0% dilation. What!? I was upset. All that pain for nothing!

Matt came home Wednesday at midnight. I was overjoyed (and relieved) to have daddy home again! On Saturday I got up from a nap and as soon as my feet hit the floor my water broke. Not like a trickle. It was a movie status gush. I waddled to the bathroom, made the appropriate phone calls, and slightly panicked that my baby was actually coming.

Once at the hospital and going through triage, we were taken to a room. Everything seemed to be going well. I felt great. I was dilating on my own without pitocin, The doctor was just going to let everything proceed naturally. Next thing I know my nurse tells me to get on my hands and knees, Oxygen was strapped to my face and nurses and the doctor comes in. I soon found out his heart rate went from 160 to 90. Talk about a panic attack! Thankfully he moved around and it came back up.

The rest of labor I stared at that heart rate monitor. I prayed with all of the strength I had and pleaded for the safety of my baby. By 5 cm I was ready for an epidural. An hour and a half later it was in place, but only my left side was numb. After 30 minutes tweaking with everything in my back and two manual syringes I finally felt relief.

 Not soon after that it was time to push. His heart rate dipped a little again, but I was able to push in between contractions. After a 9 hour labor and 20 minutes of pushing Matthew Tate made his entrance at 11:35 pm. He was perfect, He had a bit of fluid in his lungs, but after a good suction he was fine.

The epidural wore off fairly quickly on the right side. The left side was another story, It took an additional 6 hours to regain feeling enough to get to the bathroom with assistance. I've never been so grateful for the use of my legs. It's something I remember almost daily. 

My father-in-law brought Camden to the hospital. We were so excited to see him! A night away felt like an eternity! He immediately loved his brother and frequently like to look at his "baby brother". We were released the following morning at 1 am. We were ready to go home and take our cranky toddler to his own bed!

The first week was bit rough. I hit baby blues and had to go see my OB (an hour and a half of sleep in 2 days will do that to a person). Tate was gaining weight slowly, had reflux, and had a high level of jaundice. We spend a lot of time at the pediatrician and hospital as they did his heal pricks. I felt like I was relearning how to take care of a newborn all over again.

Tate is now 6 weeks old. His jaundice is all but gone. His reflux is controlled and he's gaining weight beautifully! I'm finally starting to feel a little normal. The soreness is wearing away and hormones seem to be leveling out. Camden is still so in love with his little buddy. Every day I hear, "Mommy, he's so cute! Hello Tate!". Matt is working as hard as ever. He is the biggest help at home and I am so grateful for his willingness to do so!

Life is a bit crazy right now, but we're slowly getting on a schedule. We love every minute of it! For now, our two littles are enough. We love our family and are so grateful Heavenly Father entrusted us with this sweet boy!

Blessings Through Christ

"Great joy comes when those little boats -our children- grow into mighty seafaring vessels filled with gospel light."

-Neill F. Marriott   

Since it's December we have pulled out our 25 Days of Christ ornament set and have been doing them every night with Camden. We take the time to read the scriptures with the corresponding ornament, watch videos, look at pictures, and read quotes. His excitement every night is contagious! He loves them and I love watching him learn.

At the close of our discussion we put on a musical video about the nativity and Christ. Every night without fail he asks if we can "watch Mary". My heart swells as I watch this two year old quietly watch a video of our Savior. The peace that fills our home is tangible. His expression is one of love and happiness. He picks almost the same one every night. Throughout it he'll say "mommy there's the star!" and "there's Mary! And baby Jesus!". As he points out the various people I often stare at him in wonder as my eyes well up with tears. This small boy loves his Savior. He loves learning about Him and the people who made up so much of who He was. More importantly, he retains much more information than we think he can. Camden is the biggest light and example in our family.

I cannot fathom loving another child as much as I love Camden. He's a ray of sunshine. He's a ball of nonstop energy, laughter, and kindness. He's extremely polite which makes this mama swell with pride anytime he says sorry, thank you, or excuse me. I think if I could sum him up it would be he just loves life! Some of mine and Matt's favorite moments are when he climbs up onto our laps and says "hello mommy!" or "hello daddy!". Very rarely is he sad and answers question with such enthusiasm! We love him so.

He's finally coming around to the idea of being a big brother. Matt and I tried for ten months to conceive our newest addition. It was hard and a stressful time for me. I already knew I had problems with fertility and I wanted so badly to have at least one more child for Camden to grow with. When he didn't seem to want anything to do with a new baby it broke my heart. But now almost every morning he looks at my belly and says, "Hello baby Tate!". I'm excited to see them together and to feel my heart grow to include another little best buddy.

This pregnancy has been dragging on forever! I say that because I am so mentally and physically exhausted from the complications, but more importantly I want to hold him! I'm ready to meet this sweet little spirit that we tried so hard for. There isn't a day that I don't thank my Father in Heaven for this miracle. It's really hard not having a smooth pregnancy, especially with a toddler running around, but the Lord doesn't give us trials we can't handle. I fully believe that. If this is what it takes for me to get a healthy baby into the world then so be it. 

This Christmas season I've been reminded of a lot of blessings we've been given. Sometimes they randomly come to my head. Other times I really have to think to notice them. But they're always there. I love my family. I am so incredibly thankful that I married Matt. He's gone above and beyond this pregnancy. I couldn't do it without him. I'm thankful for Camden. I'm thankful of his cuddles in just the right moment and the tender words of "mommy, it otay" when I feel like my body is going to give out at any moment. I'm grateful for how independent he is and can play quietly when I need a rest or need to get a bit of housework done. I'm grateful for Tate who will be joining us in March. Even though it does hurt at times, I'm grateful for his daily rib kicks that let me know he's still there.

Most importantly, I'm grateful for my Savior. Christmas is wonderful and a beautiful time of year. It's exciting to get those decorations up, listen to Christmas music, wrap presents, and feel the change in the air. Let us not forget in the midst of everything our Savior. If it wasn't for Him we wouldn't have this beautiful holiday to celebrate.

Spirit of Peace

These past few months have been rough. I don't think I could accurately put into words how hard it's been. Now, I could be whining. I could just be dwelling on the negative. Whatever the reason I have come out of this experience forever changed.

When we lost the baby in September I felt completely shattered. As the months went by and we couldn't conceive again it became worse. As much as I hate to admit it, I became mad at God. A baby is a righteous desire. Why couldn't I be granted that blessing?!

I became bitter. I isolated myself. It was at its worst peak in the spring as my due date came and friends had their babies. It wasn't fair. It left a gaping hole in my heart that I never thought would close. It could never be filled.

Some say that I have Camden and should be grateful for him. Others point out that this person could never have a baby or it took them years to conceive. That, coupled with the guilt of losing a child, drug me into the darkest period of my life I have ever been in. Guilt torments the body in a cruel way. So while I was upset about the situation, thinking about others burdens made me feel awful. I wasn't being grateful. Quite frankly, it could be seen as selfish.

For months I had prayed for understanding. I want to know when things happen in my life why they happen. I need answers. I didn't know why my baby died. The least I could know was what I needed to learn from the experience. The answers didn't come. In reality, I had closed myself off with any communication from my father in heaven.

When my brother and sister-in-law got married Matt and I were able to quietly sit in the temple while we waited for the sealing to start. I prayed for just peace. I desperately needed it. For nine months I felt like a tortured soul. And guess what? It came.

Since then I still don't completely understand why it happened. I like to tell myself to complete its mission on earth the spirit needed a better body than the one that was created in that moment. The spirit of that child is still coming. They're just patiently waiting for the right moment.

Since those lines of communication have been brought open once again I've finally found relief. Like I said, I still don't completely understand. But I do know things seem a little more clear now.

I've been slowly and quietly taught. At times Camden's little antics haven't been cute. I needed to get certain things done and those were my priority. Now, my family is my priority.

I've learned that it's okay to dance in the middle of target. I've learned quietly singing songs with him while shopping doesn't disturb anyone. I've learned it's okay to stop whatever it is you're doing when a toddler grabs your hands and asks you dance. You dance!

Life in this home has become much more beautiful. It's not perfect, but it's enough. I've taken the time to really watch and listen to him. He's learning. He's growing. He has his triumphs and failures. Most importantly, he teaches me.

Life through the eyes of a child is much less complicated. It's beautiful and so much fun! The things that matter actually matter. They don't care how they're dressed, if someone won't talk to them, or what a person's circumstances are. They're kind and they're good. I think everyone needs that in their life. I do. Being a mother was the best decision I have made (besides marrying Matt). Here's to new adventures and a new outlook on life.

And more blog posts!

Because I Am A Mother

"ALL THAT I AM OR EVER HOPE TO BE, I OWE TO MY ANGEL MOTHER." -Abraham Lincoln

I cannot sleep so I will write. Today is the sabbath, a day I was taught as a young child to hold sacred and look forward to. It's a day to reflect, renew covenants, and make appropriate changes. It's a day of strength to help get me through another week.

It's been a tough week. It started out a normal Monday with my daily tasks set in my head: make the bed, vacuum downstairs, meal plan for the week, go to the store if needed, make dinner, clean up the kitchen, workout, shower, cuddle with my husband until bedtime. Yes, that is a typical Monday in this home. I decided to take on an extra task of making things to sell and open an Etsy store. Off to Michael's we went. We got supplies and started on the crafts. With one done before dinner I was feeling pretty good.

Then Camden caught the flu. Tuesday and Wednesday were all thrown off because of a little boy who was terrified every time he threw up. He was my main concern. The house work was put on hold. The kitchen was not cleaned at night. My workouts halted. My world revolved around making my son comfortable and watching a lot of Lightning McQueen and anything with pirates.

Finally Thursday we were in the clear going 24 hours fever free. Until that night I was awake with him every thirty minutes while he screamed in pain from constipation (tmi, I know). Watching him cry and knowing how bad he felt broke something inside of me as well. It was terrible. 

"THERE ARE FEW THINGS MORE POWERFUL THAN THE PRAYERS OF A RIGHTEOUS MOTHER." 

-Boyd K. Packer

I pleaded with my Father in Heaven to help him go. I wanted to know what I could do to help him feel better and what may have caused it. I immediately thought back to his diet over the past few days. I had really slacked on it as I was trying to get him to eat something, anything. Cheese, yogurt raisens, and milk chocolate all came to my mind. Camden has an allergy to dairy. 

I felt horrible. I'm his mother. He's too young to know what he can and can't have. The responsibility and blame all fell on me. He was suffering because of it. Finally a small miracle occurred and he fell asleep for four hours.

That morning I gave him foods that should've helped give him some relief. It didn't. I went back to my pleading with my Father in Heaven. This time I had an immediate thought. I pulled out the blender and loaded it up with fruit, juice, ice, and topped it off with flaxseed. He drank it down and within thirty minutes found that relief.

The rest of the day went smoothly. I vacuumed the entire house, dusted, disinfected, washed, and put away two loads of laundry. After putting him to bed I indexed for a bit, showered, and cuddled with my husband. I finally was able to sleep the whole night.

And then there's today. It was busy yet fulfilling. But as I sat on the couch this evening I felt so inadequate. I looked around the house and thought about the tasks I had completed during the week. It felt like nothing was done. I felt like I couldn't accomplish anything. Maybe being a stay at home mom really meant I did nothing all day.

After Camden went to bed I thought of him. Was I really doing any good with him? I didn't feel adequate enough to be his mother or Matt's wife. As I pulled his clothes out of the dryer I groaned and shook my head. I had once again failed. Why did it feel like getting his clothes put away before he went to bed was so hard to ask?!

I picked out the collared shirts, heated up the iron, and grabbed Matt's shirt for church. As I started on them I felt so much emotion of being a failure. And, like always, I needed my Father in Heaven. After a quick prayer I thought about just the past few hours. Camden painted for the first time and loved it. He pulled himself up on the couch all by himself for the first time. He told me a tiger says "rawr". He brought me the bubble bath while the water ran, his little eyes pleading for one of his favorite things. He folded his arms during prayer and said amen. 

All of these firsts and all of these seemingly insignificant little things he did today are significant in his growth and development. It's because of the help of from his mother. It's because of me.

"THE MOST IMPORTANT WORK YOU WILL EVER DO WILL BE WITHIN THE WALLS OF YOUR OWN HOME." -Harold B. Lee

These seemingly monotonous day to day tasks that a mother does are important. The laundry didn't get put away, but he has clean clothes. There are toys scattered throughout the day, but I have a home full of laughter and smiles from a happy child. Dinner consisted of chicken nuggets, french fries, grapes, and almond milk. My toddler's tummy is full and happy. 

Being a mother doesn't mean being perfect. It means being there to teach, laugh, and grow with your child. Days or even weeks will be hard. But as we sit back and really reflect on our days, we will catch the rays of sunshine that accompany it. And that is a beautiful feeling.

Christmas 2014

Christmas was so wonderful this year!! We opened presents early at home then headed to the in-law's house. Christmas Eve we were able Skype with my family. It was so peaceful and wonderful having daddy home with us for 2 1/2 days. We sure do love him!

Camden thought it was too early to be awake. He held onto the candy and was interested in his Mickey Mouse car the majority of the time. Mommy and daddy helped open a lot of his gifts.

These cars changed everything! He was so excited to open up his gift and see them!

With a new weight bench, pull up bar, trimmer set, and clothes daddy's going to be one hunky and ripped stud next christmas!

Mickey Mouse and cars- he was in heaven. 

Mommy was given some kitchen gadgets, clothing, shoes, and a set of real pearl earrings to match the pearls given to me by my grandmother.

My Uncle and Aunt came by to visit today which was a treat as well. I'm so grateful for them and how close we've been since I was little. We love you!

Merry Christmas everyone!

Christmas Firsts

It's almost Christmas! I feel like I'm a little girl again with how excited I am. I think as a parent the excitement is for your kids as you anticipate their reactions. This year is even more exciting because Camden is older and starting to understand. I cannot wait!

Here's a few things we've been up to:

Christmas Sunday! I love it so much. The music is beautiful and uplifting as is the message. And I LOVED Camden's outfit yesterday! He also went to nursery all by himself and loved it! 

We made our first gingerbread house for family night. I thought it would be easier than it was with a toddler. He put a few candies on at the end, but it mostly consisted of him eating the candy and tearing it off the house. Oh well!😊

We were able to get our first tree this year! We went to a local tree farm and cut it ourselves. It's so much fun and I'm excited for this new tradition!

Decorating my own home feels amazing! There's more decorations that have been added and a few things moved around. I can't wait camden is older. I remember feeling something so magical when the decorations came out. I hope it feels the same to him.

Most of all, we love our savior. It's a beautiful time of year, but should also be peaceful. I'm grateful we have felt that this year. 

25 Days of Christ

It's the most wonderful time of the year! It truly is! I get so excited for this season of peace and happiness. It's tangible and everyone seems to act more loving, gentle, and kind. Not to mention all the yummy food!

We've been talking about traditions since it is our first year of having our own home, tree, and space to decorate. We're still holding strong to santa not bringing gifts/Camden thinking he is real. We really needed something more to help us remember this season and why it's celebrated. Here are some of our family traditions:

1. We start decorating November 1st, although the tree and outside decorations get put up after Thanksgiving. There are some people who don't agree with it because it takes away from Thanksgiving. I do understand their argument, but here's a few reasons why we do it. First, we want the month of the December to be peaceful and focus on our Savior. Having the decorating done makes one less thing that has to be done. Second, it's so exciting! Why only have one month of beautiful decorations when you can have two!

2. We start Christmas shopping November 1st. Once those presents arrive we wrap them up and store them until our tree is up. Once again this also saves time in December and is less distraction. We found some huge sales and saved a lot of money. Plus, we don't have to fight the crowds!

3. The title of this post and the thing I'm most excited for is the 25 Days of Christ. It's like an advent calendar, but much more spiritual. It's a kit of 25 wood ornaments. You do have paint and assemble them yourselves, but it is so easy! 

The booklet that is shown has days 1-25 and the corresponding ornament. 

Along with the ornament in the booklet is listed scriptures, quotes, videos, gospel art pictures, etc. One just has to look them up, watch, listen, or whatever you prefer to do. Once that's done the ornament gets hung on the tree. That's it!  It's so simple and enables you to make it as long or short as you would like for your kids while giving them a daily story of the Savior.

Tonight was the star. Since Camden is young, we were able to do a short 5 minute lesson before bed.

He loved looking at the pictures. By the end of it I could ask him where baby Jesus was and he would find him. It was such a sweet and tender moment with him.

I'm thrilled to do this with my family every year to help us remember Christ. The presents and decorations are so much fun, but we mustn't lose sight of why this holiday is really here. Christ truly is "the reason for the season".

If anyone is interested I ordered the kits from here:

http://25daysofchrist.com