"...move towards brighter light."

"Healing comes when we choose to walk away from the darkness and move towards a brighter light."

-Dieter F Uchtdorf 

It's been a month since we lost our precious little one. I'm still going day by day, but I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. For the past two weeks it's mostly good days. It's either a good day or a bad day. There's no in between right now. I'm hoping sometime soon I can have an"eh" day. Maybe I won't. All that matter is more positives than negatives.

There's so much I want to say, but there's too much to say. I guess I could say on the bad days I stay couped up in my house and ignore the outside world. The bad days are really, really bad days. I direct my focus on Camden. I hold my tears for when he's sleeping. He gives me extra snuggles those days. Kids just know. 

I think my biggest trigger right now is birth announcements. April birth announcements. Since our loss I've seen 9 announcements. All I can think of is, "what the crap, was there a baby bug in the air!? Did we all have to get pregnant around the same time?!" I then cry and get angry. Why do they get to keep their child and I don't? It doesn't seem fair. To make it worse I no longer feel pregnant. I feel normal. Healthy. Energetic. I don't want to feel this way. I want my baby.

When my days come spiraling down my knees hit the floor. I pray. I don't think I have ever prayed as hard as I do in those moments. I cry, I scream, I plead. I'm not mad at my Father in Heaven. I never was. I just need relief. Then it happens. He hears and He answers.

I don't know how to adequately describe the feelings that happen, but I'll try. All my negative emotions slowly ebb away. There are moments when I know someone is there with me. I like to think it's my Grandpa. Then I hear the sweet, peaceful whisperings of the spirit letting me know that it's okay. I'm not alone. The final thing that happens is so tangible that I don't know if anyone would believe me unless they have experienced it themselves. Feeling, and knowing, the Savior is taking away the burden is breathtaking. The soul calms and the tears stop. Life is beautiful and peaceful once again.

While I know it will continually get better, it's not going to get perfect over night. This has solidified my testimony even more of our Father in Heaven and Savior. They are there in a very real way. We just have to ask. They don't want to see us hurt, but we also have to exercise our faith and come to Them. My life has been changing for the better. I'm becoming a different and better person because of it. Life is becoming more and more beautiful.