You are my Sunshine

Our family has been on quite the adventure the past month. Despite the negative that has happened, there's been positives. Not only have grown closer as a family, but we got to take a trip!

We were able to go to Arizona to see my family (I am the worst at remembering to take pictures so the ones I took I'll post!). We went for a week and relaxed. First, I need to apologize to friends and family who we didn't get to see. It was tricky this year. My family moved to Buckeye and we didn't have a car to get up the mountain, so sorry! 

I think my biggest complaint was the temperature. 90 in October!? In Washington it was getting into the 50s/60s and starting to rain. Yay for fall!!! It definitely didn't feel like fall. We still enjoyed ourselves though(:

We were able to see both sides of the family, although not everyone. I'm grateful for everyone who made the trip down to see us. It meant a lot. It felt like home which I needed desperately. 

One of my best friends got married and I was honored to be one of her bridesmaids. It was beautiful and I loved every moment of it. It's a memory (and a friendship!) I'll have for a lifetime. It was a wonderful little date night for Matthew and I as we were able to become closer.

We were able to visit the Phoenix Temple and attend the open house. It was beautiful! I remember praying before we went inside that Camden would be calm and feel the spirit. He was definitely calm. He fell asleep and woke up as soon as we walked out. It wasn't how I expected it, but the prayer was answered!

Camden and Papa at the temple grounds

It was wonderful watching my family interact with Camden. He really loosened up and let them see how silly he is. He really loved his papa and was sad when he had to go back to work, but we're grateful for the time he took off to spend with us. Despite typical toddler behavior, it was a wonderful trip. 

There's been a few moments where he's asked for his papa or nana which makes me happy that he knows who they are. My little brother has his mission call coming anytime now so that was the last time we'll see him for at least 2 years (wow, I'm getting emotional just writing this!). Bryce, we will miss you. I do love you and I'm grateful for the week we had. It was nice actually liking you. For once(:

The trip was fairly easy. I was glad to be home though. There's just something about walking into your own space. I just hope someday we'll be closer.

Now, when Matt and I got married we said we wouldn't have a pet. That went out the window fast and I begged him for one. I was always answered with a firm "no". When he would talk about it, we talked about a dog only. Preferably a pitbull or lab. I compromised on that, but it was never a need. Just a want and an extra expense.

After we lost the baby things changed. That's why he is the best husband a girl can have. He saw how badly I was hurting. We started talking about a dog and we would talk about it if it was free. So what did I do? I immediately started looking for one!

While we were in Arizona I found a craigslist ad for a 4 year old chocolate lab/shepherd mix. He was fixed, trained, house broken, microchipped, everything! The family just had too small of a space for him. And he was FREE! I told Matt how perfect this was. I really didn't want the work of a puppy and he was a lab. I got in contact with the family and now we own Charlie! They were a great family and Charlie has been a great dog. He's giant. He has the size of a german shepherd, but looks like a lab. Camden loves him and I'm so grateful he's ours. Matthew, you are the husband of the year times 5! (Although he'll never admit, he likes the dog(; ) 

Our family is doing better. Matt's working on a promotion. I'm healing and working on getting us foster parent certified. Camden is talking more, becoming independent, and living the glamorous life of a toddler. All is well!

"...move towards brighter light."

"Healing comes when we choose to walk away from the darkness and move towards a brighter light."

-Dieter F Uchtdorf 

It's been a month since we lost our precious little one. I'm still going day by day, but I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. For the past two weeks it's mostly good days. It's either a good day or a bad day. There's no in between right now. I'm hoping sometime soon I can have an"eh" day. Maybe I won't. All that matter is more positives than negatives.

There's so much I want to say, but there's too much to say. I guess I could say on the bad days I stay couped up in my house and ignore the outside world. The bad days are really, really bad days. I direct my focus on Camden. I hold my tears for when he's sleeping. He gives me extra snuggles those days. Kids just know. 

I think my biggest trigger right now is birth announcements. April birth announcements. Since our loss I've seen 9 announcements. All I can think of is, "what the crap, was there a baby bug in the air!? Did we all have to get pregnant around the same time?!" I then cry and get angry. Why do they get to keep their child and I don't? It doesn't seem fair. To make it worse I no longer feel pregnant. I feel normal. Healthy. Energetic. I don't want to feel this way. I want my baby.

When my days come spiraling down my knees hit the floor. I pray. I don't think I have ever prayed as hard as I do in those moments. I cry, I scream, I plead. I'm not mad at my Father in Heaven. I never was. I just need relief. Then it happens. He hears and He answers.

I don't know how to adequately describe the feelings that happen, but I'll try. All my negative emotions slowly ebb away. There are moments when I know someone is there with me. I like to think it's my Grandpa. Then I hear the sweet, peaceful whisperings of the spirit letting me know that it's okay. I'm not alone. The final thing that happens is so tangible that I don't know if anyone would believe me unless they have experienced it themselves. Feeling, and knowing, the Savior is taking away the burden is breathtaking. The soul calms and the tears stop. Life is beautiful and peaceful once again.

While I know it will continually get better, it's not going to get perfect over night. This has solidified my testimony even more of our Father in Heaven and Savior. They are there in a very real way. We just have to ask. They don't want to see us hurt, but we also have to exercise our faith and come to Them. My life has been changing for the better. I'm becoming a different and better person because of it. Life is becoming more and more beautiful.