I don't know if it's too early to write this. I don't know if this post will adequately express my emotions because of so much emotion and sorrow. But I need to write. This is the best way I know how to express the deepest feelings of my soul. Maybe this will take a little of the sadness away.
Matthew and I were expecting baby #2 on April 20, 2015. I remember the day very clearly I saw those pink lines on the test. I had been feeling a little nauseous that week and had pushed it aside as to a stomach bug. The feeling kept gnawing at me to take the test. On a Tuesday evening I peed on the stick, waited a few minutes, and stared at those lines. Positive.
I sat on the floor and cried. They weren't tears of happiness. I was nervous and so very frightened. My pregnancy with Camden wasn't easy. I had so many thoughts as to the what ifs. What if I went into labor again at 28 weeks? What if they couldn't stop it this time? What if this baby wasn't as strong as Camden had been? My biggest fear was losing a child.
After pleading with my Father in Heaven for peace and guidance I went upstairs. I picked a blue bow out, put it on the test, and set everything on the bathroom counter. When Matthew came home that night, he headed upstairs to shower and I waited. A few minutes later he poked his head out and asked, "are you serious?". I nodded and he hugged me. I still was worried, but I was more at peace with my feelings. Everything was going to be all right.
The next few weeks I was sick. Since I didn't have a lot of sickness with Camden Matt was ecstatic. With the handful of people we told the news to he would say, "It's a girl! I know it's a girl!". He wanted a girl so badly! I thought he was crazy. I wanted a little brother for Camden since they were going to be 22 months apart. I just smiled and shook my head. We would find out soon enough.
Also during the pregnancy from time to time I would have spotting. I wasn't worried because I knew spotting was normal. I just thought it was a normal thing. I still felt pregnant. I was sick and exhausted. I wasn't cramping. Everything was going great! We would see our baby before we knew it!
Sunday night everything changed. The spotting went from brown to bright red. I started to get a little nervous, but reminded myself to stay calm. I didn't want to over react over nothing. I had a healthy baby with my first pregnancy. It would be the same outcome. I told this to myself over and over again that night.
By Monday night the bleeding turned into a steady flow with cramping. Once Matthew got home I explained the situation and we decided to go to my Doctor's office the next morning. I turned to the internet trying to find any hope that the bleeding didn't mean I would lose the baby. I did find some things so I did the best I could to convince myself that I wasn't going to lose my baby. I didn't do a very good job.
The next afternoon I saw my doctor. By this time I knew. I was holding onto whatever hope I could find deep down inside. It was like holding onto sand. It slipped through my fingers and I fell farther and farther into despair. My biggest nightmare was becoming a reality.
After an exam by my doctor who told me it didn't look good we went in to have an ultrasound. I took a deep breath as I walked into that door. This was it. This is where I would get a very clear answer.
As she squirted the gel onto my tummy I stared at the screen. I tried one last attempt at hope. I knew there would be a little baby with a strong heart beat, bouncing around in there. It was far from that. Far worse than I imagined. The sac was empty. The baby was gone. It was on its way out. The sac had measured at only 8 weeks. I was suppose to be 10 meaning the baby had been gone for 2 weeks. Dead or alive, I didn't get one look at my baby. No picture to remember it by. No nothing. It was empty. Just like I was.
The rest of the visit is now a blur. I was numb. I remember shaking. I cried on the way home. I had so many plans. I was going to paint the nursery. Buy new crib bedding in a beautiful yellow, grey, and white theme. I was teaching Camden how to say baby and how to be gentle. I had so many hopes and dreams that were completely shattered. I never knew it would hurt as much as it has.
Not long after getting home I had horrific pain. It was just like labor. I knew it was about to happen. When it did I scooped it out of the toilet. I held it and stared. My baby was in there. That's all I could think about. After a few minutes I put it back and pushed the handle. I flushed my baby down the toilet. For anyone who has gone through this it is a horrifying feeling. I should've buried it. It would've felt a little more human.
Now I'm going through the last of it. Pain, blood, and tears. Some have said it was so early it really wasn't a baby. Or miscarriages happen to a lot of people. Or at you'll have more babies later. While it is true that miscarriage does happen to a lot of women, it doesn't make it the pain go away. Right now I feel as if some of me died with that baby. I can smile or laugh, but most of the time it's not real. I just want my baby back.
I never thought I would lose a child no matter the age. I never thought I would hurt this much in the event of a miscarriage. I never thought I would see my husband, who is such a rock, come home crying after work because of the pain he feels too. These words "I never" are going to be erased from my vocabulary. Life can be cruel sometimes.
I know there is light on the horizon. Thank you to everyone who has helped whether it be dinner, texts, messages, or listening to me talk. You've brought me a little closer to the light. For now our family works in baby steps. We love you, Baby Link. Every day.
