Pondering

Over the past little while I've been deeply thinking about things and trying to dissect them. I love having Matthew home, but I also love the moments at night where all is silent. I sit quietly and look, listen, feel, ponder. This has started to change me little by little.

I love watching and listening to nature. I love looking at the stars. I love to people watch. I don't like being out alone so I'll sit in the comfort of the apartment or quietly look around when I'm with someone. There is a connection that happens as I do this. It's almost as if I'm remembering something whether it be a certain person or a moment in time. It brings me closer to everything around me. It keeps me focused on what matters and helps me forget the small things.

I know not everyone is religious although I wish they were. Having peace and realizing God is there is a beautiful and sacred experience. I know people question His existence. I did at one point in my life. I didn't understand or believed He cared with the love that He does. I didn't believe He knew me personally or could even begin to understand my situation and how I was feeling. I didn't believe there was hope. But something amazing happened and my Savior let me know He was. I wasn't doing anything special or even pondering it at the time. I was just sitting quietly when I felt those loving arms I had been slowly forgetting about. Things started to fall back into place. I felt happier and was actually enjoying life. I was given the tremendous opportunity of meeting Richard G. Scott, an apostle of God. Once again I felt that reconfirming love as I listened to him speak. I was able to bet sealed in the temple for time and all eternity to the man I know was prepared for me and I for him. I will never forget that moment. He's more than I ever dreamed of in my "perfect man". As I looked at him I continuously thanked my Father in Heaven for this man. I still do. After almost a year of marriage I love him more every day. I'm so grateful he's mine and I get to spend eternity with him. Not until "death do you part". Forever.

To this day I have had my ups and downs, just like everyone else. I remember those beautiful moments and I feel that love once again. I ponder and those comforting arms are there. I can feel myself becoming closer to Him. It may only be for a few short hours that I feel that comfort before the world comes to life once again, but those are precious.

I think about this baby. After months of anxiously waiting and wondering what would happen next his arrival is right around the corner. It's really here. I feel nervous, happy, relieved all rolled into one. Our lives are going to forever change, but I wouldn't want it any other way. I have no regrets of starting a family so young and early. We have been trusted with this little boy to raise and teach him in the way that will bring him home. What a beautiful gift!

Life will never be easy. There are reasons for the things that happen. Taking time to stop and ponder the simple things in this messy world will make it so much easier. Take time to "stop and smell the roses". Watch life from a child's eyes. Sit quietly at night when all starts to go still and ask questions. The answers will come. Life needs to be enjoyed.