The Reason For The Season

I've been thinking a lot about Christmas the past few weeks. I was thinking about my family in Arizona and how much I miss them. I was thinking about the Link side here and how grateful I am for each one of them. I was thinking about future Christmases for our family as it grows through the years. I was thinking about traditions and what would be something unique for us. After talking to Matthew we decided on one big one for our family: we're not teaching our children about Santa.

At first, I was completely opposed to the idea. Santa was part of my childhood! It made the holiday so magical! But the more I pondered about the idea, the more I knew he was correct. My wonderful parents tried so very hard to keep Christ in Christmas, but my little brain seemed to phase out that part. When think back to past Christmases all I really remember is my holiday revolving around Santa, elves, reindeer, and everything that comes with it. I don't want that. 

I want my children to be focused on Christ. I want the emphasis to be on giving, not receiving. I want them to be well behaved and polite because that's the example set by Christ, not because they get something in return. I hear it all the time, "if I do this, what do I get?" We live in world that is always saying give me, give me, give me. That leads to selfishness, pride, and the unkindness we see every day. In my opinion it's wrong. Why does there have to be a reward for doing good things?

Another reason for our decision is we remember how heart broken we were when our parents told us the truth about Santa. I remember looking at my mom and saying through my tears, "but how do you afford it?" It changed Christmas for me. I wasn't as excited as before. I started to be more grateful after that. I don't want our children to have to go through that. I don't want the feeling of knowing I'm lying to my children either even if it's for something good. 

As I was shopping recently I passed by a sweet lady ringing her bell for Salvation Army donations. She smiled at me then turned to a woman on her other side with a cart full of toys and said, "Merry Christmas!" The woman's reaction shocked me. She turned around, glared at the sweet bell ringer, and said, "Excuse me!?" I felt so awful as the lady stammered a faint "Happy Holidays" out and the woman nodded then walked away. That got me thinking some more about the spirit of Christmas and why it's celebrated. I understand not everyone celebrates Christmas. If someone were to look at me and say "Happy Hanukkah!" I wouldn't be offended in the least bit. It saddens me that it's politically correct to say "Happy Holidays" over "Merry Christmas" or call a Christmas Tree a "Holiday Tree". The meaning of Christmas is lost. It's time to put Christ back in Christmas.

I don't think any less of or criticize anyone for teaching their children about Santa. I see both sides and I remember the magic of it as a child. Our children will know who Santa is. We'll watch the classic movies and read the stories, but Santa won't be coming down our chimney. To them it'll be like reading stories of Peter Pan or Cinderella. The imagination of a child will always be there just as it should be.

For this Christmas season I hope we can all give no matter how little we think it may be. I hope we're kind and thoughtful. But most of all I hope we think about our Savior. That's what the season is about.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Miracles

"And neither at any time hath any wrought miracles until after their faith; wherefore they first believed in the Son of God." Ether 12:18

My heart is so full today. Our family has seen so many miracles the past six month. I need to write them down so they will be kept forever. As time goes on and more memories are created I fear I will forget these times of mercy the Lord has shown us. I never want to lose these feelings I have as I reflect back on them and the love our family has felt from our Father in Heaven. 

The first one really started with the birth of our son. He was born so perfect and healthy. The labor went flawlessly. After he was out every single pain I felt vanished. I didn't have any pain in my recovery. Throughout the pregnancy I had offered so many prayers that our baby would be kept safe and he could stay in there to develop as he should. I did get impatient at the end (what woman doesn't!), but I was so relieved when he was healthy. I know Matt & I will have many more children. At times as I think about future pregnancies I become fearful. My first was so hard and I was in so much pain. Would all of them be like that? I pray they are not, but I also remember the prayers and faith I had at that time. Camden was kept safe. It is a small sacrifice for a healthy baby.

In the middle of August Matt's car was stolen. I will never forget the look on his face. I had so many emotions sweeping through me. Anger, sadness, hurt. Why would someone do that? Why are people so selfish? I have never met anyone who handled it as well as he did. After we both prayed, he looked at me with such a peaceful smile and said it would be okay. In his prayer all he asked for was his car back. The stuff we could replace, but we needed the car for our family. A few days later the car drove past him in the parking lot of our apartment complex. The people parked it and Matt confronted them. They had their story and walked away. The cops never did find them. At first I was really upset. We needed justice! But then I remembered the prayers we had been asking. We only wanted the car. A lot of stuff was taken from it, but we can replace that. As I asked Matt about the things that were gone he simply responded with, "they needed it more than I did". 

He has the faith to move mountains. I am getting there, but at times need to pray for more faith. We are sometimes criticized for having "blind faith". From my experience it is true faith. You do what you can and the Lord will take care of everything as long as you have the faith that he will.

In October Matt and I were rolling into bed and hit heads. I passed out for about 10 seconds and woke up not really knowing where I was. I had vision difficulties in my right eye and could barely use my right hand for about 24 hours after the incident. I then had a bad stutter for about two weeks with memory loss. I couldn't remember what I was trying to say which resulted in a lot of frustration and crying. I was given two blessings and was told that I would make a full recovery. Before the blessings we prayed to know if I should go to the hospital or what needed to be done. We felt like we didn't need to go in and we just had faith in that blessing. I knew the Lord would heal me. My prayer was answered about 2 weeks later.

The part that no one except my husband knows is the memory side of everything. I didn't know who he was for about 12 hours. I knew his name was Matt. I figured he was probably my husband because I had a ring, a baby (who I didn't forget about thank goodness!), and the look of concern on his face. I finally remembered, but I haven't been able to remember our engagement days or wedding day. That has killed me. I want to remember so badly, but I know I am so in love with him. I know that in time it will all come back. As for now, I am so grateful that the physical side is healed.

My final one is our primary class. We love those kids! We currently have many inactive kids and have been striving for the past year to bring them back through home visits, phone calls, and calls from their classmates. Today we had five show up. It took all my strength not to cry. What a testimony boosting experience! Not only is a wonderful experience for us, but for our primary class. They are slowly building their own testimony of missionary work and the influence they can carry in their lives.

I know miracles happen. Sometimes they're small and may seem insignificant, but they are our own miracles. I have always wanted to witness a miracle in my life or just be more aware of them happening. So many in such a short period of time is overwhelming and the love of our Savior is there as we strive to do those things He has asked of us.

I'm grateful for my husband and the example he is. He truly loves this gospel and his family. He is my rock and I'm constantly learning from him how to be better. I hope our boys emulate him. 

I'll have more updates on our lives coming soon!

Pondering

Over the past little while I've been deeply thinking about things and trying to dissect them. I love having Matthew home, but I also love the moments at night where all is silent. I sit quietly and look, listen, feel, ponder. This has started to change me little by little.

I love watching and listening to nature. I love looking at the stars. I love to people watch. I don't like being out alone so I'll sit in the comfort of the apartment or quietly look around when I'm with someone. There is a connection that happens as I do this. It's almost as if I'm remembering something whether it be a certain person or a moment in time. It brings me closer to everything around me. It keeps me focused on what matters and helps me forget the small things.

I know not everyone is religious although I wish they were. Having peace and realizing God is there is a beautiful and sacred experience. I know people question His existence. I did at one point in my life. I didn't understand or believed He cared with the love that He does. I didn't believe He knew me personally or could even begin to understand my situation and how I was feeling. I didn't believe there was hope. But something amazing happened and my Savior let me know He was. I wasn't doing anything special or even pondering it at the time. I was just sitting quietly when I felt those loving arms I had been slowly forgetting about. Things started to fall back into place. I felt happier and was actually enjoying life. I was given the tremendous opportunity of meeting Richard G. Scott, an apostle of God. Once again I felt that reconfirming love as I listened to him speak. I was able to bet sealed in the temple for time and all eternity to the man I know was prepared for me and I for him. I will never forget that moment. He's more than I ever dreamed of in my "perfect man". As I looked at him I continuously thanked my Father in Heaven for this man. I still do. After almost a year of marriage I love him more every day. I'm so grateful he's mine and I get to spend eternity with him. Not until "death do you part". Forever.

To this day I have had my ups and downs, just like everyone else. I remember those beautiful moments and I feel that love once again. I ponder and those comforting arms are there. I can feel myself becoming closer to Him. It may only be for a few short hours that I feel that comfort before the world comes to life once again, but those are precious.

I think about this baby. After months of anxiously waiting and wondering what would happen next his arrival is right around the corner. It's really here. I feel nervous, happy, relieved all rolled into one. Our lives are going to forever change, but I wouldn't want it any other way. I have no regrets of starting a family so young and early. We have been trusted with this little boy to raise and teach him in the way that will bring him home. What a beautiful gift!

Life will never be easy. There are reasons for the things that happen. Taking time to stop and ponder the simple things in this messy world will make it so much easier. Take time to "stop and smell the roses". Watch life from a child's eyes. Sit quietly at night when all starts to go still and ask questions. The answers will come. Life needs to be enjoyed.

Stress, More Stress, & Blessings

I've decided to start blogging again. Maybe it'll help me not keep my emotions in and help me breathe a little easier. Maybe it'll be therapeutic and help me clear my mind. Maybe life will become a little easier.

The past four months have been filled with more challenges than I ever thought would hit me at one time. I know someday I'll look back and be proud of what I was able to endure and who I became after it. For now, I take it day by day. Literally. I don't plan ahead. I try not to think too much. I try to relax. But what can I do being so far away from my family and having to cope with everything almost by myself? When I think about that I'm grateful I'm not completely alone. I have the most incredible, loving husband any woman could ask for and be proud to call her own. I have his family. We have an amazing ward who have opened their hearts and homes to us. Many prayers have been offered in our behalf. We have felt them. We have been filled with gratitude as we have watched the service that has been provided for us. The notes, phones calls, pulling us aside in the hallway, and now meals being brought into us is more than we could ever hope for. I also have the best employer. She has helped us in more ways than I could name off. Her patience, advice, and being there when I need to talk or have questions has helped me immensely. And, most importantly, I know my Savior is there. He always has His arm around our shoulders as He helps us at this time as we struggle.

Going back to Arizona for Christmas was the greatest gift I could ask for. I never dreamed how difficult it would be to leave home and start a new one 1,000 miles away. I needed to see my parents, my siblings, and extended family. I needed just a nice game of cards with my mom, grandma, and aunts. I needed to be held by my mom. After coming home I was okay. I knew my family loved me and we had a great relationship now that I was done being a know-it-all teenager.

We also then told my family were we pregnant. My grandpa had been suffering from cancer then and had just gotten into remission. We let him open up our picture of the sonogram for his and grandma's Christmas present. The joy on his face was wonderful to see! With him being so sick and other family conflicts I thought they needed some happy news. I didn't think it was going to be the last time I would ever see him. I remember when he was first diagnosed. I called him, fought back the tears, and asked how he was doing. He said, "Don't you be worrying about your grandpa. If I live, then I live. If not, then I die. It's okay. I've lived a good 70 years." In the background I heard my grandma: "Verlon! Don't you be telling your granddaughter that who is so far away!" I heard his "Barney Rubble" chuckle and I had to laugh myself. Upon leaving AZ he gave me a hug, which would be last from him, and said, "Grandpa loves you, Precious." He's called me that since the day I was born. No one else has. It's always just been him and I grew to love it.  That was the last time I would ever hear it.

And now he's almost gone. My heart breaks every time I hear news about him. I can't go anywhere due to bed rest because of early labor. I long to be in AZ by his side with the rest of my family. It's one of the hardest things I have ever had to endure. I sit here and just wait for that next phone call. Every time the news gets worse and worse. I wanted him to try and hang on until Camden was born, but now I'm feeling like that's not possible. I'm okay with that. That way he can be here in spirit. Camden will see him. We won't know he's there, but the baby will. I try not to get too upset, but there are nights the tears spill over for a couple hours. My contractions get worse and then I'm in pain for the next 24 hours or so. I know getting upset isn't good for me at this stage in my pregnancy, but sometimes the emotion and pain is too overwhelming. After a gentle kicking reminder from Camden to calm down and a silent prayer, the crying is what I needed. Although I won't be able to attend the funeral I'll be there in spirit and I will be able to find peace once I know he's where he needs to be at this time.

Being on bed rest is kind of awful. Our apartment is a mess. We haven't really had a home cooked meal in weeks. Waiting eight hours for Mathew to get home every night feels like eternity. But there are some benefits. I'm able to still work even though I'm limited in what I can do. 8 am-2 pm Monday-Friday allows me to get out of the apartment at least. I'm able to read, learn, and grow. I can ponder and feel peace. I'm going to learn a new skill such as crocheting. The baby hasn't decided to make his entrance yet. As much pain as I go through I would rather do it every day than have him born right now. I have about 2 1/2 months left. Every time I go through a bad patch of contractions I start to panic (which I know isn't good for them either) and calculate when I would need to go back to the hospital. So far, I haven't had to go back at all. Through prayer, laying in bed, and some amazing back massages from Matthew I've gotten through them. I hope it stays that way for a little while.

On a very positive note, Camden is looking amazing in his strength and development. We've been told by the hospital and my doctor that he's still on target for his due date, but he's looking a couple weeks in advance with his strength, fetal activity, and the strength of his heart. At all of the doctor's appointments his heart rate was at least 150. We've been told he's a fighter. He would be okay if he was born this early. It makes me feel a little better that he's doing so well. Reassuring things right now are what I have been needing. I've had a feeling, call it mother's intuition, that he's going to be early. I'm praying he makes it to at least 36 weeks. I wish I had an easy and simple pregnancy, but for some reason I have not. I know it's at least teaching me patience, but maybe there's more to it. I hope someday to find out.

This is what I struggle with the most right now. I try to find peace and relax, but at times it's easier said than done. I have recognized the blessings as they have been coming and it gives me strength. Being away from family in a difficult time and having a very real possibility of having a baby early is something I don't wish on anyone. I'm grateful for my husband. He's so patient, kind, and puts my needs above all else. He also is strict on the bed rest. I'm constantly wanting to get up and do things after work, but he knows how it affects me and may affect our son. I'm grateful he's disciplined enough for me. I still don't know how I became so lucky and received him. I'm grateful for the gospel we have in our life. It helps us to grow and become so much more than we would be able to do on our own. I'm so glad we'll be able to raise Camden in it.

Day by day. That's how I'll get through this trying time in my life. I know it'll get better, but for now I will endure.